


In which Dave looks after a very drunk and flirtatious Karkat

by Ramach



Series: ==> Dave & Karkat: Be roommates. Have shenanigans. [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, M/M, Post-Sburb/Sgrub
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-15
Updated: 2014-11-15
Packaged: 2018-02-25 10:16:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2618216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ramach/pseuds/Ramach
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Holy heckers!! 1000 hits!</p><p>Thank you so much guys for reading, it really means so much to me to have this kind of popularity on something I've written; I really appreciate it and all of your lovely comments and support has been incredible as well.</p><p>You're all fantastic, wonderful people and I will continue to write more as long as you continue to read! Thank you so much once again 0u0</p>
    </blockquote>





	In which Dave looks after a very drunk and flirtatious Karkat

**Author's Note:**

> Holy heckers!! 1000 hits!
> 
> Thank you so much guys for reading, it really means so much to me to have this kind of popularity on something I've written; I really appreciate it and all of your lovely comments and support has been incredible as well.
> 
> You're all fantastic, wonderful people and I will continue to write more as long as you continue to read! Thank you so much once again 0u0

**== > Dave: Get this tipsy troll home.**

"I fucking love you man, I think you're so great even though I'm such an asshole to you all the time, I don't know why you even put up with me," slurs the drunk-ass candy-blood currently making every effort not to fall off the bar stool and crash into the floor.

Yep, you pretty much didn't understand a word of that sentence. You wonder if it was such a good idea to bring Karkat along to the pubs in the first place; you just shrug mentally and decide it was justified by the amount of shit you went through to convince him to come. You're pretty sure it took at least 2 hours of grumbling and colourful insults before he finally agreed to go. And you don't think it was your spectacular diplomatic ability, any more than a reason to get you to shut the fuck up and get off his back. But that was Past-Karkat, and Present-Karkat is having no argument in getting absolutely hammered (at your expense; you are a gentleman after all. He's also broke as hell).

"Oh shit, the President just called. He wants to know if you're going to stop drinking anytime soon because you've had like 8 bottles of that stuff and he thinks you're looking pretty shitfaced right now," you ask with your usual deadpan expression."

"Man, fuck your human President. Who the fuck put that nookstain in charge anyway? You guys vote on that shit right? Sounds fucking dumb. He should just cull your stupid human... faces," your charge tries to cap off the insult and fails spectacularly in the creativity department.

This isn't even ironic. This is just straight up disgraceful, and you don't do disgraceful. You get a few strange looks when you get up and slip your arms under Karkat's, pulling him off the stool and dragging him toward the door. He starts flailing and bitching and moaning but you don't pay attention. You give a silent nod to the bartender as you leave; he's familiar with your situation and knows you'll pay your tab. You're almost to the door when it flings open and a huge mob of rowdy teenagers start barging through. You don't stop though; no-one stops the Strider train.

"Choo choo motherfuckers," you say without looking back. "Drunk-ass dunkass comin' through."

You shove past the ones still blocking the doorway. A couple of the guys in the front get pissy but as soon as you're outside you flash-step out of there, disappearing out of thin air from their point of view, and reappear next to your car in the parking lot on the other side of the building.

"DAVE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THE LIGHTS WENT OUT AND NOW THEY'RE BACK WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON-" Karkat cries, limbs flailing.

Swift as only years of Strife with your Bro can make someone, you open the passenger-side door, gently settle the panicked troll into the seat, clip in the seatbelt and close the door before he can finish his sentence. You vault over the car and slide in the window Dukes of Hazard style, shove the keys into the ignition and bring the engine humming to life.

"Let's get you home, Karkles."

***

"I'm not drunk, I'm fine!" Karkat whines as you open the door to your apartment, his arm slung around your shoulder for support.

"Yep, and I'm not the best goddamn rapper you've ever heard."

Karkat snorts as you help him over to the couch and drop him on it. He looks up at you and you swear you catch a gleam in his eye.

"You're not the best, but you're the hottest," he coos.

"What."

"You heard me, Strider."

"You need some rest."

"No, I need you to come over here and kiss me."

"I repeat: what."

"Come on," he gets up and goes to put his arms around you but a lack of balance sends him tumbling forward into your arms.

"Well shit, this is romantic."

"Shut up, fuckass."

His hands start working their way down your back, but you push him off and hold him at arms length before he can get much farther.

"Karkat, you're drunk."

"You're sexy."

"No."

"Yes."

"Go to bed."

"Only if you're in it."

"God fucking damnit Karkat."

"You're cute when your flustered."

"I'm not flustered."

"Yes you are."

"No."

"Yes."

"Fuck it, sleep on the couch for all I care. I'm going to bed."

You shove him back down on the couch and turn on your heel to saunter over to your bedroom door. As an afterthought you turn your head and add: "And I'm locking the door, so don't even think about it."

He gives you a cheeky grin, his attempt at being sexy utterly crushed by him being off his fucking face. The sultry look of desire is closer to a cross-eyed drunkard who just fell off the god fucking damnit Karkat get off the floor. You don't care enough right now to help him and you're sure as hell not risking another booze-fueled attempt at flushed advances so you close your door, lock it and collapse into bed. You'll check on him in the morning.

***

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: morning princess  
TG: hows the headache  
CG: FUCK OFF STRIDER.  
TG: really? you were all about fucking me last night  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: OFF.  
TG: i swear those two words are like 95% of our conversations  
TG: shit is so rude even raphael thinks its off the rails  
CG: I DON'T GIVE A FLYING GRUBFUCK WHAT YOUR HUMAN RENAISSANCE ARTIST HAS TO THINK ABOUT ANYTHING.  
TG: swing and a miss  
TG: seriously though how you feeling  
CG: LIKE SHIT.  
CG: HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FEEL.  
TG: idk man i just figured youre a troll so your biology is all whack and maybe alcohol doesnt hit you as hard or something  
TG: guess not  
CG: WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT YOU PSEUDO-SCIENTIFIC DOUCHE.  
CG: ARE YOU A FUCKING XENOBIOLOGIST NOW?  
CG: WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A CLOSE EXAMINATION OF MY MIDDLEMOST DIGIT THEN BECAUSE IT SEEMS TO ALWAYS BE UP WHEN YOU'RE AROUND.  
CG: I THINK I MIGHT HAVE CONTRACTED SOME SORT OF AIRBORNE VIRUS FROM THE AMOUNT OF BULLSHIT THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH ON A DAILY BASIS.  
CG: YOUR STUPIDITY IS AN EPIDEMIC.  
TG: alright man chill  
TG: just trying to make sure youre okay  
TG: i think its safe to say we wont be going to the pubs again anytime soon  
CG: WHY DID YOU EVEN WANT TO TAKE ME WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT.  
CG: DID YOU JUST WANT TO SEE ME GROVEL AT YOUR FEET THROWING HALF-ASSED REDROM SOLICITATIONS AT YOU FROM THE DEPTHS OF MY BOOZE-ADDLED THINKPAN?  
CG: BECAUSE IF SO YOU FUCKING SUCCEEDED. CONGRATULATIONS YOU MASSIVE ASSHOLE.  
TG: no i just thought it might be fun to see you happy for once instead of being so angry all time  
TG: not my best plan ever ill admit  
CG: THAT'S  
CG: ACTUALLY KIND OF SWEET.  
CG: I GUESS.  
CG: IN A HORRIBLY DISGUSTING HUMAN WAY THAT I OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO APPRECIATION FOR.  
CG: IN CONCLUSION: YOU ARE A BULGEMUNCHING NOOKSNIFFER AND I HOPE YOU DROWN IN A BUCKET.  
TG: yeah i thought youd say something like that  
TG: im making coffee you want some?  
CG: FUCKING GOD YES.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

**Author's Note:**

> It's so hard to write from Dave's perspective for some reason :o I guess I'm just not enough of a coolkid to capture his ironic banter perfectly. Or even remotely well.
> 
> I think future Davekat shorts will be primarily from Karkat's perspective because it feels easier to write from his point of view; I'm trying to think of this as more of a benefit to the reader because the writing will hopefully be better and not as a cop-out on my part.
> 
> I haven't proofread this one yet either because I'm very tired so I'll do that tomorrow I guess - in the meantime enjoy poorly written dialogue and horrible characterisation! (I got drunk Karkat so wrong I just know it; I couldn't think of how to convey his drunkness in dialogue where I can't make typos or anything like I could in a pesterlog - this one was mostly written on a whim so I guess it was just poorly thought out - sorry!)
> 
> *runs away and hides*


End file.
